At least you don’t have to explain roaches to the cops.
I love these! My favorite one is, “if you were forced to shove a whole pineapple up your ass, as a matter of life and death, would you insert it top or bottom first?”
Keep in mind, you’ll need to get it back out once it’s in.
Bottom first. The leaves would serve as a flared end and a handle. You’d want it to be ripe-ish I imagine. Ripe enough to have a little give, but not ripe enough that the leaves come out too easily.
Pineapples also come in different sizes, I’ve seen some homegrown ones posted on Lemmy that seem…manageable.
Just keep in mind that the hard, pointed spikes on the outside face up, so you’ll be pulling it out against them.
If you do top first you get the harder part over with, and then have plenty of blood to lubricate the way out.
It’s a horrific image but it’s the right way to go. You’ll simply never, under any circumstances, make it work the other way.
I mean it won’t work either way but if you don’t fucking die by the end of it at least you could theoretically get patched up.
The human anus can stretch up to 7 in. (18 cm.) before taking damage.
The average pineapple is 6 in. (15 cm.) in diameter.
You got this.
Without training? :o
Just taaaaaap it in, just give it a little tappy. Tap tap taparoo. You got this.
Try not to tense up.
Only horrific initially, relatively
I feel like you’ve given this an unusual amount of thought
Phrasing it like that means death is still a choice.
Keep in mind, you’ll need to get it back out once it’s in.
Why’s that?
With or without leaves?
With of course
I mean, if it has to go in whole, does it need to come out whole? Or can we cut that bitch up once it’s in?
Additional tools are not allowed. You’re welcome to attempt to crush it with your pelvic floor muscles.
Never skip kegel day.
Well I know what I’m going to think about all morning now.
death
You can kill one person. You can’t kill 1000 roaches.
I’ve had roaches before. I’d pick the person 10 out of 10 times.
Same.
a person, I only have to exterminate one large thing vs 1000 tiny things that could potentially crawl up my pee hole in my sleep.
no thanks.
How wide is your urethra that a roach can fit up there?
doesn’t matter, they love warm moist dark cracks.
that’s why they’re called cockroaches
No it isn’t. Cockroach is derived from the Spanish “cucaracha” which comes from “cuca” which means “butterfly caterpillar” and is apparently onomatopoeic in origin.
Also the idea of them crawling into your urethra is a myth like earwigs and ears.
I don’t speak Spanish I only know American and I know we call them cockroaches.
idk how narrow Spanish urethras are, but it’s a real problem over here in the USA. I’ve had to put tape on the tip of my penis when I go to sleep since I can remember just to keep the little cocksuckers out of my penis.
Hey I learned this earlier today! Entomology is so interesting.
So is etymology, and in that earlier comment @GreenKnight23@lemmy.world is technically practicing both.
The roaches. At least you know their true nature, not surprising to find them there and, in days of high frustration, one can go up and stomp a few for that crunchy sound of bug demise.
Look at this guy, he doesn’t comprehend the true nature of man or like human crunch.
Human Crunch sounds like the dollar store version of Captain Crunch.
Sounds like you’ve never had the misfortune of being somewhere with a roach infestation.
People can get sick from roach feces from just a few roaches, especially if you have asthma; having 1000 would be really bad
Ive dealt with a few though, its not really as bad or as hard as most people think. Its just about being thorough and sustained, you arent going to get them all in one hit. It just takes a few months of regularly repeating the basics of bombing, baits and spray.
its not really as bad or as hard as most people think.
It just takes a few months
I would consider anything that takes months to fix to be pretty bad.
You just need to bug bomb every few weeks. Its not hard labour.
Or maybe they already have a roach infestation because they live in filth and don’t care.
No way, you won’t be able to get the roaches out nearly as easy as the person
Dude, roaches can fly…
Depends on the ambient temperature, no? I was under the understanding that roaches don’t typically fly in northern states because it’s colder.
Just the fact that they can is enough for me to avoid them. Ain’t showing up with a thermometer to see if they decide to fly today 😔
A few hundred dollars will take care of the roach problem
The human is the biggest wild card situation yet and you’re immediately going into fight or flight no matter what
Person. Odds are that they’re not as bad as media has been trying to convince us that we are; that said, 1k(4) cockroaches can still be managed with enough effort
Unless the person is there to kill me they win easily
Call police they leave issue solved.
Tell me you’re not black without telling me you’re not black
Oh absolutely, the person’s relationship with the police definitely matters.
Lol.
All the person has to do to avoid arrest is be calm and assertive; if he insists that you invited him, that he paid you rent, that it’s his house, here’s the police response:
“That’s a civil matter, you’re going to have to call a lawyer.”
If he’s competent, he may even have a deed with the town’s seal already in it. Anyone can file anything in the land records. It’s up to title holders to protect their titles and clear any fraudulent entries.
While true, if they’re “living” there, they’re most likely in the attic or crawl space or something. Or they have no items of their own. Anything is possible and there are always outliers, but the chances are pretty low they got set up enough to convince people they’re legitimately there.
P.s. going to check my basement…
This probably feels like a type of thing that happens much more often than it actually does. But for real I’m going to go check my basement too.
Depends on the person…
Someone who just desperately needed shelter? Okay, fine. Someone who is caked in their own waste, with insane ramblings scrawled across their skin in blood? Uh, bring on the roaches, I guess.
Considering the overlap between homelessness and untreated mental disorders, sadly both of your descriptions are likely to fit the potential attic-dweller.
oh yeah, i would let David Attenborough live in my attic any day of the week.
A person. It’s your property and you can have the police come and evict them. Very easy to do.
Roaches on the other hand…
Cockroaches. You can call the secret police and have them exterminated.
On the other hand if they are in my attic I am probably gonna be exterminated too.
You can solve both problems by throwing 5 bug bombs in there
It’s my understanding that gel works better, that bug bombs just make them scatter to other units if you live in an apartment building.
1000 half burned joints please.
as someone that has a person living in their attic … FOR FREE, RUPERT … I would say neither.
Punctuation exists.
