Hello there, I’m a 21 year old guy from Germany and have very strong depression because of the constant abusive, toxic and manipulative behavior that I received from my parents since I was a kid.
Those strong depression are also the reason why I struggle a lot in life to get anything done by myself and become independent.
I already lived on my own when I was 17 but I failed because of my depression that made me incapable of taking care of myself which is why I moved back to my parents a year ago who only make it way worse for me because they won’t stop hurting me and treating me like a awful person.
I feel so stuck in life and I tried everything from therapy, mental hospital and medications but nothing worked. The burden is just too strong causing me to feel worthless and incapable of living, I have lots of shame, guilt and major anxiety.
It’s like being paralyzed by the fear of life.
My biggest dream always was to get rid of my parents and live independently on my own but I’m just incapable. I wanna get rid of this victim state so bad but I can’t find a way to escape/deal with the hurt.
Is there anything I can do?
You must log in or register to comment.
Sounds to me like you could use a good therapist. I know you said you’ve already tried that, but you can try a different therapist if the one you have isn’t working. A good therapist will be able to help you to successfully break away from toxic people (including toxic family members), and also help you to stabilize in your new toxic-person-free life.
Medication can help with the depression, speak to your doctor about what options are available to you.
As for becoming more independent, you need employment that pays enough to cover your bills. If this is not available to you, then think about what you can do to lower your cost of living? Can you move in with a friend? Or get a roommate?
When I first moved out, I rented a house with some people I didn’t know, and ended up becoming lifelong friends with two of them. Renting a room in a house was a better option for me as it was cheaper to do this than to rent an apartment on my own, I got access to more living space (and a backyard-and going outside does wonders for mental health), and because I had roommates who were already set up in the house, the only “stuff” I needed to provide for myself was my own bedroom furniture. It worked really well as an in between step in my own path to independence. Maybe this is also an option for you.
Thanks a lot for these tips I really appreciate that. I wish I had any friend I could talk to but unfortunately I don’t have a single friend. But I’m happy that you had something that worked out for you!
I didn’t know my roommates when I first moved in with them. I found a listing for “roommate wanted” and “student housing” in an area not too far away from the university, far enough that transportation would be needed to get there (meaning much cheaper rent), but still considered to be in the greater general area. I wasn’t a student, but that didn’t matter. And the friends I made when I moved in became my lifeline.
I was in a similar sounding situation to what you’ve described, and I promise you, it will get easier. I doubt things will ever be actually easy, but think about how boring life would be if we didn’t have to struggle a little and get creative, hey? It helps to break down these larger problems into smaller pieces, if possible. They’re more manageable that way.
Du sprichst exzellentes Englisch und bist hier auf Lemmy. Das zeigt bereits, dass fähiger bist als du denkst.
Und du bist noch ein Baby. Weißt du wie lange ich gefailed habe, bis ich mein Leben auch nur ansatzweise auf die Reihe gebracht habe? Länger als du am Leben bist.
Hör auf die Tips in diesem Faden. Geh nach draußen such dir Hobbies und Dinge die dich Interessieren. Bibliotheken sind ein guter Zufluchtsort. Hol dir ein Notizbuch und nen guten Stift und Schreib deine Gedanken auf.
Siehs mal so, wenn du schon nichts auf die Reihe bekommst, dann kannst du wenigstens Spaß haben. Und du wirst erstaunt bemerken, dass mit dem Spaß auch ein wenig Erfolg kommen wird.
I’m so sorry you’ve been struggling so much. It sounds like you’ve tried multiple avenues and they haven’t been as rewarding or transformative as you thought.
I know you’ve had a disappointing experience with therapy. You will think that what I will suggest has a low likelihood of succeeding. However, it sounds like you’re also open to options that could help.
Imagine the longest essay you’ve ever had to write for school. A dozen pages? Two dozen? Now picture it in front of you, printed out, on a desk. Imagine there’s ten copies of your essay spread around the desk. Add another layer of essays on top. And another. And another. A hundred times. If you organized the documents into a single stack of paper, it would be 1.2 meters tall. That is how many randomly controlled trials there are on the effectiveness of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT).
Here are two places where you can look at the evidence: one and two.
ACT has changed my life and that of hundreds of thousands of people. While I would suggest to get an ACT therapist (and a good one!), there is evidence that you can learn the skills of psychological flexibility if you engage in the appropriate mental processes, regardless of how. You can learn about how to do ACT exercises in A Liberated Mind, which you can find here https://stevenchayes.com/.
I have to concede that I personally like the way that ACT is explained by Steven Hayes. After all, he is a developer of ACT and of the theory behind it that explains why it works. However, there are many ways of becoming more psychologically flexible. Other people in this thread have mentioned meditation, for example. What’s important is that it works for you!
I wish you the best of luck and please feel free to ask questions!
Lebenshilfe, betreutes Wohnen vlt. eine Option für dich?
Suche dir eine Tagesstätte, die dir eine Struktur bringt. Sei nicht zu hart zu dir und feier auch kleine Erfolge.
Ich hatte bereits in sämtlichen Einrichtungen wie Pflegefamielie, Klinik, Kinderheim und Verselbständigungseinrichtung gelebt aber es hat alles leider nichts gebracht. Vielleicht finde ich irgendwann noch etwas hilfreiches
You’re 21, there is still much to be learned and experienced and healed. You have a lot of time to figure yourself and the world out.
Give yourself the time!
I can understand on some level the difficulties you face, I’m not sure if there’s any advice I can give that will translate, but my best is:
You don’t have to have it all figured out by now.
Make mistakes, take chances, be wrong. Give yourself the flexibility and oppertunities to understand what you are and are not. Just trial and error your hobbies, friends, activities, and jobs - eventually you’ll target or even accidentally bump into something that works for you.
It takes a long time to build yourself into something you like. But eventually it does happen, and its rarely into something you predict.
My biggest dream always was to get rid of my parents and live independently on my own but I’m just incapable.
Is there anything I can do?
Not while you see yourself as being incapable.
Yea I think I will just give up, I tried so much for so long all for nothing
Yes, obviously that’s the thing to do. /s
I mean I already sort of accepted this reality that there is no hope anymore about a year ago so it’s okay. I just hope my death will arrive soon and I hope life is not indefinitely repeating itself cause that would mean eternal suffer for me
There’s some good advice from other people, especially about continuing to pursue medication and/or therapy when possible, but in terms of putting distance between you and your parents so you can feel safe, there’s a couple things I think might help.
First off is something other people have mentioned: going on a jog/walk regularly, preferably daily, to give yourself the physical distance from your parents. Making sure you regularly have 15-45mins to yourself every day will help a lot with giving yourself room to mentally and physically be away from them.
Second, finding places other than your room for spending time and relaxing will help a lot too. If you have a local library, a park, a café, anywhere that you can spend a few hours hanging out at, that will help a lot too. I mention cafés and libraries because they usually offer free internet and a calm environment, so you can hang out in a corner and do whatever personal work/fun stuff without being at home. For example, I used to stay at our library after school and do homework, talk with friends, and pass time on the internet. The other upside to these places is seeing new faces more often, plus it can be a chance to meet with friends, or find new friends if you’d like.
I’m not sure what your financial situation is like, but in any case these should be cheap, low-barrier-to-entry options for getting away regularly. I’m also in my 20s and have pretty intense anxiety, so I know first-hand that there’s a way for us, it’s just not as easy as it should be. You’re already doing better than I was: you’re asking questions and seeking help. As long as you keep searching for help and regularly giving yourself the mental/physical space to have some peace, you’ll be alright.
I hope some of this was helpful for you, I hope you’re able to find what you need to get the peace you deserve.
Money.
Betreutes wohnen ist hier das Stichwort. Gibt es auch mit eigener Wohnung so das je nachdem wie viel Hilfe du brauchst jemand vorbei kommt. Zusätzlich helfen die auch bei Ämtern oder zb Therapeuten Suche.
Und ansonsten es ist okay wenn man nich alles Schaft und hilfe braucht. Kein Meister ist vom Himmel gefallen und du gehst schon deinen Weg also achte auf dich und übernimm dich nicht sonst geht es oftmals schnell bergab und eventuell weiter runter als zuvor. Spreche aus Erfahrung.
Have you ever tried medicine? You should talk to your doctor about Wellbutrin. It’s anti-depressive but without the negative effects of an SSRI. Also helps with changing your reward system in a positive way
