My weight. Ive already lost 40 lbs after i started working again. But i still have another 80 to lose. I want to get back to what i had 7 years ago.
With or without a cocaine habit.
This question hurts so much because I’ve lost so much and I have absolutely no way of fixing any of it. I try so hard and I’m so tired of working so much for a total ingrate and having zero to show for it. Things are really, really bad. I see no way to fix anything.
Ingrate
Whats up with that (if you feel safe sharing)
My SO. I work two jobs to keep us barely afloat due to cost of living and the financial wreck he’s landed us in. He’s basically a sociopath and I have no money to leave, despite me working night and day while he watches TV all night, and he does a zillion petty things in exchange for that, including for the last month giving me the silent treatment beyond administrative stuff, throwing potholders at me, shaking his fist in my face for not setting the temperature in the car the way he wants it and threatening to not pay the credit cards in my name, and basically starving my life. There’s a million other things but I’m so numb to it it’s hard to verbalize.
I lost myself. I married someone who slowly whittled me down to nothing over ten years.
I am divorcing him. It’s been five months since I just didn’t go home. It’s been really hard, hardest thing I’ve ever done, but I’m coming back to life slowly.
I can’t wait to see who I become.
Badass.
The ability to relax. I have a special needs child who constantly screams at us. We have no respite because none of our relatives are willing to deal with him anymore. All of his therapies and medical bills have nearly bankrupt me. My wife is suffering from PTSD because of it. We are on every waiting list for state resources but so far nothing.
Even as I tried to write this comment, I had to stop what I was doing because my wife went to the bathroom, and my son decided to yell at her because she left a pot on the stove.
I am completely incapable of relaxing anymore. If I do get a chance I’ll just be racked with intrusive thoughts. Like last night I was watching Stranger Things and when I saw a kid on there with braces, all I could think was, “I need to get my son braces. But since he can’t handle someone touching his face, it is going to be a nightmare. He’s 13 and I still have to monitor his teethbrushing, who knows how much it will suck with braces. It will also be way more expensive because we’ll have to sedate him, for every appointment” Then I spiral down from there. This is just one small example.
I’m in therapy and on meds for it. And so is my wife. I wish I lived in a state with legal marijuana because it’s the only thing I’ve found that will actually help me relax. At this point we are actually considering selling our house, so we can afford to send him to a boarding school that is designed for kids like him. And maybe then we can get some respite.
In a similar situation, and about to lose my wife for a week or more so she can come back from the edge out son has pushed her to.
I’m so tired.
My motivation. I’m not sure yet
Something that helped me was to “just do it for 2 mins” - then decide if you want to keep doing it or not. I found a lot of times since I was already doing it, I would keep going.
This really helped me get back on track.
I haven’t genuinely enjoyed myself in so long, that’s something I think I may have lost. I have no idea how I’ll get it back.
Are you open to people making binding suggestions? Like committo try random stuff people offer and try everything out so you have an opportunity to recalibrate or reorient?
Yes, and I’ve done a variant of this. I do a lot of art and lately have been trying a little of every art medium. Sketches, digital art, chalk art, tattooing, baking cakes, crop circles, etc. When I stop doing something, it’s like my emotional focus turns off though.
Inclination to trust people after an abuse of loyalty.
I saw a classmate who didn’t appear to have any friends, and I felt bad for them, so I started sitting next to them at the dinner tables and we quickly became friends. I’d only known them for maybe two weeks at most, when they suddenly demanded a large sum of money from me, money which I neither had at the time, and a transaction that my family would not have approved of. I politely declined their request, and their whole personality changed after that.
They got jealous whenever I was talking with my other friends. They started to send me aggressive messages, and started to spread rumours about me, rumours which were not believed due to my good standing with everyone, lack of evidence, and also because of how bizarre they were. I even had people come up to me and tell me, "Elaine, they’re making up stuff about you, what’s going on?"I believe they may have gotten expelled because a few days later they stopped showing up to school.
I think with time it’ll get better, but I’m going to be at least a little suspicious of people. Time will tell.
Faith in humanity
Die
