Me, 12 years old: “I don’t know what this Linux thing is but it looks cool!”

Me, 25 years old: " As write this, I’m in an underground bunker in the middle of the Alaskan wilderness. The fascist government is currently looking for me. I use a 15 year old Thinkpad with Arch installed. I live off of tuna and spam. My only forms of protection are two AKM rifles and a Doberman Pinscher. I have a beat up Toyota Tacoma for the rare visits to the surface. I have a load of SSDs with pirated content for entertainment. I have only myself and my aforementioned Doberman to keep me company. Life is good."

How exactly is reading unix_surrealism supposed to help me use Linux distros?

Only one of them needs to be concerned.

Should be just enough room on that floppy for one consciousness.